South Park Episode #

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – CAFETERIA – DAY

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are picking at their mystery meat lunch. A news report blares from the mounted TV.

ANCHORMAN (V.O.) In breaking news, a group of elderly Floridians have declared war on Facebook!

STAN Huh?

KYLE Floridians? Declaring war? This sounds stupid, even for Florida.

The camera cuts to a retirement home in Florida. A group of SILVER-HAIRED PEOPLE in leisure suits are waving their fists at the sky.

FLORIDA MAN 1 We will not tolerate this mind control any longer! Facebook is turning our brains to mush!

FLORIDA MAN 2 I used to be a fighter pilot! Now I can’t remember where I put my damn dentures!

CARTMAN (Snorting) Oh man, these geezers are cracking me up!

KYLE This isn’t funny, Cartman. Don’t you get it? They’re just mad because Facebook keeps showing them those stupid minion memes.

STAN Yeah, and those annoying “share if you love Jesus” posts.

BUTTERS (Sitting across from them) Hey, I like those Jesus posts! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

KYLE (Sarcastically) Sure Butters, whatever makes you happy.

INT. MARSH HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Randy Marsh sits on the couch, glued to his phone. Sharon enters, exasperated.

SHARON Randy! Haven’t you heard the news? Facebook is evil! It’s rotting your brain!

RANDY (Without looking up) Ugh, whatever, Sharon. Just lemme finish this Farmville level.

SHARON Farmville? You’re still playing that stupid game?

RANDY Hey, it’s relaxing! Besides, if I don’t harvest my virtual corn by sundown, the whole world will explode!

SHARON Oh for God’s sake, Randy!

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – CAFETERIA – DAY

The boys watch the news report again. It shows the Florida retirees storming a Facebook office building.

REPORTER The situation is escalating! The Floridians have managed to break into the building and are demanding to speak to Mark Zuckerberg himself!

CARTMAN Ooh, this is gonna be good! Maybe they’ll beat the Zucc up!

KYLE I don’t think violence is the answer, Cartman.

STAN Maybe they have a point though. Facebook can be pretty annoying. Remember that time Grandma sent everyone that creepy chain mail about a cursed frog?

KYLE Ugh, don’t remind me. My entire newsfeed was filled with that stupid frog for a week.

Suddenly, the TV cuts to static.

MR. GARRISON (V.O.) Uh oh, looks like the Floridians have taken down the internet!

Chaos erupts in the cafeteria. Students scream and shout.

CARTMAN Sweet mother of Moses! What are we gonna do without the internet?

KYLE This is all your fault, Florida!

Stan sighs. The camera pans out the window. The world seems strangely quiet without the constant hum of online activity.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – DAY

The bell rings and a swarm of kids floods out of the school. Butters stands alone, fidgeting with his backpack. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman approach him.

STAN

Dude, why are you still here?

BUTTERS

My grandma can’t pick me up yet. She’s, uh, at a very important meeting. About saving the world.

KYLE

Your grandma? Saving the world?

CARTMAN

(Snorting)

Yeah, right! Probably at another bingo night or feeding pigeons laxatives.

BUTTERS

No, it’s serious! She says Facebook is turning all the grown-ups into drooling morons and they gotta stop it!

STAN

Facebook? Turning people into morons?

KYLE

Isn’t that kind of the point, Cartman?

CARTMAN

Hey! At least I can still function in society! Unlike some people who stare at their phones all day taking pictures of their stupid food!

RANDY MARSH (V.O.)

(Singing off-key)

Facebook, Facebook, oh so addictive! Makes me like, like, like everything so predictive!

RANDY

(Strolls by, phone glued to his face, oblivious)

SHARON MARSH (V.O.)

(Sighs)

Randy, honey, how many times have I told you to put that phone down? We’re supposed to be having dinner!

RANDY

(Without looking up)

Ugh, whatever, Sharon. Just leave a thumbs up if you agree with this hilarious cat video!

INT. MARSH HOUSE – NIGHT

The Marsh family sits around the dinner table, all staring at their phones. Stan throws his spoon down in disgust.

STAN

This is ridiculous! We never talk anymore! Facebook is ruining everything!

SHEILA BROFLOVSKI (V.O.)

(Shouting from next door)

Shut your trap, Stan! Mommy’s busy arguing with Ike about his stupid Minion meme!

IKE

(In a high-pitched voice)

But Mom, everyone at school loves my Minion memes!

ICELANDIC DAD (V.O.)

(Gruffly)

Silence, children! I cannot concentrate on my yodeling practice with all this Facebook noise!

INT. ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY – DAY

A bunch of SENIOR CITIZENS sit slumped in chairs, eyes glazed over, their thumbs scrolling mindlessly on iPads. Muriel, a feisty old lady with a pink curler in her hair, slams her fist on the table.

MURIEL

That’s it! This Facebook thing is turning our brains to mush! We need to take a stand!

GRANDPA MARSH

(Mumbling)

Huh? What stand? Can’t hear you over all these Farmville notifications…

MURIEL

We’re gonna fight fire with fire! We need to make our own social media platform! One that won’t rot our brains!

SENIOR CITIZENS

(In unison)

Huzzah!

INT. CARTHMAN’S BASEMENT – DAY

Cartman sits at his computer, surrounded by bags of Cheesy Poofs. Kyle bursts in.

KYLE

Dude, have you seen the news? The old people are revolting!

CARTMAN

(Scoffs)

Revolting? They can barely operate a microwave, Kyle. What are they gonna do?

KYLE

They’re making their own social media platform called “Grumpy Grampa.” And it’s actually kind of taking off!

CARTMAN

(Eyes widen)

Taking off?! No way! This is an outrage! They’re stealing my meme market!

STAN

(Walks in)

Yeah, and it’s actually pretty funny. They’re posting all these embarrassing childhood photos of us.

KYLE

(Looks at his phone)

Oh man, they dug up that picture of me in the bathtub wearing a spaghetti strainer as a hat.

CARTMAN

This is worse than that time they banned scooters! We gotta do something!

STAN

I don’t know, Cartman. Maybe Facebook isn’t so great after all.

KYLE

Yeah, maybe spending some actual time with each other wouldn’t be the worst thing.

CARTMAN

(Grumbling)

Fine. But if we