Tag: Organizations

Seppuku Scheduling

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Here’s how it happens. You sketch a plan. It’s airtight, bulletproof, a Swiss watch of efficiency. You will do A and B. Maybe, just maybe, if the stars align and the traffic lights are all green, you’ll do C.

Then reality happens. You do A. You do B. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a little voice whispers, Hey, I can still squeeze in C. You reach for it. Stretch. Overextend. And then—whoops. You don’t just fail C. You fail at failing. Maybe the whole structure collapses. Maybe it doesn’t, but you still walk away feeling like a samurai who just fumbled his own ritual suicide.

Because here’s the trick: You did everything you planned. But because you thought you could do more, the entire thing now feels like a debacle. This is seppuku scheduling, where the crime isn’t failure—it’s failing to be superhuman.

It’s the productivity version of a gambler’s fallacy. You keep doubling down on your own success until one misstep wipes out the whole session. You don’t judge yourself by what you actually did, but by what you could have done. The modern calendar is an altar to infinite possibility, and when you fall short of that imaginary ideal, you kneel before it, knife in hand.

You could fix this, of course. You could build in margins. You could plan more like a human and less like an algorithm. But where’s the thrill in that? Where’s the samurai drama?

Instead, you’ll do what you always do. Make another airtight plan. Convince yourself that this time you’ll get to C. And when you don’t, you’ll shake your head and mutter about how it all went wrong.

Seppuku Scheduling and the Birth of the Tech VC

And now, instead of taking the hit like a rational adult, you do what every Silicon Valley demigod does: you outsource the blame.

You tell yourself, I did everything right, but the world failed me. A phrase forms in your head—half rationalization, half gospel: This system is broken. If only there were better tools. Smarter automation. A way to bend reality to your schedule.

Congratulations. You’re now on the path to becoming a venture capitalist.

This is how it always starts. First, you fail to execute your own airtight plan. Then, instead of adjusting your expectations like a reasonable person, you decide the universe itself needs disruption.

That missed deadline? Clearly, the productivity software industry is lagging behind.

That botched rollout? Obviously, someone should have invented a better AI assistant.

That time your genius wasn’t fully recognized? The market must be inefficient.

So you do what any self-respecting seppuku scheduler does: you start throwing money at people who promise to fix it.

And that’s how you get Silicon Valley’s unique strain of messianic delusion—the kind that believes failure isn’t a lesson, but an injustice. The kind that funds ten different versions of the same app, all promising to free you from the cruel tyranny of clocks. The kind that genuinely believes “time management” is just a series of unexploited arbitrage opportunities.

None of this makes you better at managing your own life, of course. But it does buy you the illusion that failure isn’t personal—it’s systemic. And once you believe that? Well, you’ll never have to take responsibility for missing C ever again.

Trust is a bourgeois fantasy: It’s the opiate of the marketplace.

Chester A. Bleekman, CEO of Bleekman Industries, a man with a face like a roadmap etched by dubious mergers and hostile takeovers, leaned back in his ergonomic chair, a picture of corporate zen. “Disincentivize transparency, Mr.Peabody,” he rumbled, a voice that could curdle milk. “Any metric, any data point that gives the flicker-minded masses a peek behind the curtain, well, that’s market disruption, Peabody. Disruption leads to volatility, and volatility, my friend, is the enemy of shareholder value.”

“Sir?” chimed a young, eager executive named Darren, tie askew and brow furrowed in confusion.

“Look, Darren,” he said, steepling his fingers, a single turquoise ring winking under the halogen glare, “information leakage is the enemy. It’s the gremlin in the gears, the rogue subroutine in the grand algorithm of profit. The more they know about what we do, Darren, the more likely they are to, well, know.”

He tapped the polished mahogany desk, a map of the world etched into its surface, continents pulsing with the rhythmic glow of hidden fiber optic cables. “We operate in the twilight, Darren. The sweet spot between legality and, well, something a little fringier. Sunshine is the enemy of the exotic orchid, you see?” He winked, a gesture that always left Darren feeling vaguely seasick.

“But sir,” Darren stammered, “wouldn’t a little transparency build trust? Wouldn’t it-“

Windy slammed his fist on the desk, a holographic display of stock charts flickering to life. “Trust, Darren, is a bourgeois fantasy. It’s the opiate of the marketplace. We deal in mystery, in the suggestion of vast, unseen forces at work. The public wants the illusion of control, Darren, not the messy reality. We give them shadows to chase, conspiracy theories to keep them occupied while the real game unfolds beneath the surface.”

He leaned back again, the chair sighing like a winded bellows. “Besides,” he added, a sly glint in his eye, “a little obfuscation creates a nice little black market for… let’s say, alternative interpretations. And that, Darren, that’s where the real profit lies.”

Looking Like Your Doing Something

The rain lashed against the canvas tent, the wind like a fist against a taut drum. Colonel Valentini slammed a battered map onto the rickety table, the sound a gunshot in the confined space. Captain Ricci, fresh out of West Point and polished like a new saddle, flinched.

“Easy to bark orders from behind a map, Colonel,” Ricci finally said. “Those men out there, they’re fighting a war no one seems to understand. We’re asked to do the impossible with spit and prayers.”

The Colonel turned, his cold blue eyes like chips of winter ice. “You think this war is about understanding, Captain? About grand ideals scribbled by politicians far from the mud and misery?”

Valentini’s voice, a gravelly rasp, cut through the drumming rain. “War ain’t pronouncements, Captain. It ain’t pronouncements in Washington across a mahogany desk, nor is it pronouncements here in this mud with a map and a compass. War’s about the boots in the muck, the men with their guts churning, the ones staring into the abyss and wondering if they’ll see another dawn.”

Ricci opened his mouth to retort, but the Colonel cut him off.

“War,” he rasped, his voice rough as sandpaper, “is about holding a goddamn line when every fiber of your being screams retreat. It’s about staring into the abyss and blinking back, one day at a time.”

The sun beat down on the dusty Italian road, turning the air into a shimmering haze. The Colonel squinted across the table at Captain Ricci, a flicker of annoyance in his tired eyes.

“Captain,” Murray’s voice rasped, roughened by years of shouting orders over the din of battle, “there’s a difference between action and results. Back home, they think a flurry of movement signifies progress. Like a bunch of children chasing butterflies.”

He jabbed a finger at the map. “Look at this. Men are pinned down, ammo dwindling faster than hope. You think a stirring speech or a fancy plan will save them? No, Captain. It takes action. Real action, messy and thankless.”

Ricci’s jaw clenched, his youthful defiance simmering. “Sir, with all due respect, we need a plan, we need to show we’re engaged. Morale on the front lines—”

The Colonel snorted. The sound was humorless. “Morale is holding a position when your insides are churning like a washing machine full of rocks. Morale is staring down the barrel of a gun and squeezing the trigger first. Looking busy might impress the folks back home, but it does little for the men out here slogging through mud.”

He leaned forward, the heat shimmering between them. “This war isn’t fought with pronouncements and parades. It’s fought inch by bloody inch, taking what you can hold, and holding it until your fingers bleed. There’s a lot of glory in the history books, Captain, but precious little in the trenches.”

Valentini straightened, his gaze distant. “There’s a lot of glory in the stories back home, Captain. But here, in the mud, there’s only the fight. You learn that, you learn what it truly means to do something, then maybe you’ll survive this bloody game.”

The Colonel paused, his gaze distant. “Back home, they think war is like a parade. All bluster and shining boots. But here, in the muck, you learn the truth. Looking busy is for fools. Here, survival is the only victory.”

Ricci swallowed, the bravado draining from his face. Murray sighed, the sound heavy. “War is a harsh mistress, Captain. She doesn’t care about looking good. She cares about staying alive. “Plans are for diplomats, Captain. Here, we fight with what we got, hour by bloody hour. We fight with what’s left in the men’s bellies and the grit in their teeth. We fight because there ain’t no luxury of surrender, because the Austrians ain’t about to take a tea break and discuss the finer points of fair play.”

He leaned in, his weathered face inches from Ricci’s. “Looking busy keeps the politicians in Rome happy, that’s true enough. But war? War’s about the unspoken things. The fear that chills you to the bone, the loneliness that gnaws at your soul. It’s about the quiet courage of men who know they might die, but fight on anyway.”

He sighed, the sound heavy with the weight of command. “Unrewarded, you say? Maybe. But those men out there, they see their captain leading the charge, not barking from a safe distance. That’s what keeps them going, Captain. That, and the knowledge some sorry son of a gun is facing the same hell on the other side of the wire.”

Ricci stood straighter, the fire back in his eyes. “Yes sir. Understood, sir.”

The Colonel nodded, a flicker of respect in his gaze. “Good. Now get out there. They need their captain, not a philosopher.”