adjusts mic stand
Y’all ever notice how America’s like that one friend who can get into a huge fight, but then be cool the next day? Like, we got this weird superpower of turning enemies into homies.
paces thoughtfully
Look at Germany and Japan. We had the biggest fight in history with these folks. But then a few years later we’re like “Hey… you wanna go to the mall? Maybe get some McDonald’s? Build some cars together?”
imitates diplomatic voice
“Dear Germany, we know things got a little heated back there… but we love your beer and those cars you make. We cool?”
And Japan? We went from Pearl Harbor to “Y’all got any more of them PlayStation 5s?” That’s some next-level forgiveness right there. Now we’re best friends, trading Pokémon cards and anime recommendations.
takes a sip of water
But some folks, we just stay mad at. We hold that grudge like it’s our job. Like we’re getting paid overtime for being salty. Got me wondering – is it because they never apologized? Or because they never invited us to go shopping?
leans on mic stand
I mean, if you think about it, we’re like that high school kid who can squash beef with anybody… as long as they let us sit at their lunch table afterward. Share some snacks, maybe collaborate on a group project…
shrugs
But I guess some people just ain’t trying to share their snacks. And that’s how you stay on America’s “We Don’t Sit Together” list for like… seventy years.
straightens up
It’s wild though – we really out here like “Oh, you got Nintendo? All is forgiven! But you won’t let us open a Starbucks? That’s it, we’re gonna have beef until the end of time!”
shakes head slowly
Man, y’all wanna hear about the biggest missed connection in history? This is like a Craigslist post gone wrong on a global scale.
imitates reading from phone
“Missed Connection, 1991: You – collapsing empire with rocket scientists. Me – capitalist nation with McDonald’s. Could’ve been something special…”
paces with purpose
We had this moment, right? Soviet Union falls, and we got all these Russian rocket scientists just sitting there. Literal rocket scientists! These dudes could’ve had us building condos on Mars by now. But what did we do?
switches to Wall Street broker voice
“Nah, forget space travel… check out these DERIVATIVES, baby! Why explore the cosmos when you can explore financial instruments nobody understands?”
normal voice
We really looked at the people who put the first man in space and was like, “That’s cool and all… but have you heard about credit default swaps?”
pretends to be investment banker
“Sure, you can get to Mars, but can you bundle subprime mortgages? That’s where the real money is!”
takes drink of water
We could’ve had the greatest space collaboration since… well, ever! Instead, we got Excel spreadsheets full of synthetic CDOs. Real smart move there, America. Real smart.
leans forward
You know what’s wild? While we were busy inventing ways to make money from making money from making money, the Russians were probably sitting there like, “Damn, we got all these space blueprints just collecting dust. Maybe we should’ve shown them our cool moon rover instead of our cool bankruptcy.”
imitates confused Russian scientist
“We have plans for Mars colony, but they only want to talk about mortgage-backed securities. Maybe they think Mars is bad investment?”
straightens up
Now look at us. Elon Musk gotta build his own rockets because we were too busy in the ’90s figuring out how to turn paper into more paper. We could’ve been having breakfast on the moon, but instead we got breakfast with PowerPoint presentations about leverage.
shakes head
The Russians probably looking at us now like, “You chose… derivatives?” That’s like picking a calculator over a teleporter. Come on, man!
walks around stage shaking head
Y’all remember the Space Race? That shit was REAL. Both sides throwing everything they had at it. Now we got billionaires doing it for fun, like it’s some kind of rich people hobby.
imitates billionaire
“I’m bored with my electric cars and social media… guess I’ll build a rocket!”
normal voice
Meanwhile, there’s probably some old Russian scientist watching this on TV like, “We had these plans in 1975, but y’all wanted to play stock market.”
takes deliberate pause
And that’s the thing about America, man. We’re like that kid with ADHD in a candy store. We see something shiny, and BOOM – we forget what we were doing. Space exploration? Nah, dawg – you seen these financial instruments? You can make money… out of MORE MONEY!
pretends to be excited Wall Street guy
“Forget rockets, Ivan! Look at this – we can take a bunch of bad loans, mix them together like a financial smoothie, and sell it as a premium drink! It’s genius!”
back to normal voice
We really chose banking bros over astronauts. That’s like picking the Monopoly man over Captain Kirk. Who does that?!
sits on stool
You know what’s crazy though? All this time we were worried about the Cold War, when we should’ve been worried about Cold Hard Cash. The real weapons of mass destruction weren’t in no bunker – they was in briefcases on Wall Street!
leans forward
And now… NOW… we got all these private space companies trying to reinvent the wheel. Spending billions to figure out shit the Russians already knew back when disco was still alive. That’s like finding your granddaddy’s secret BBQ recipe and being like, “Nah, I’ma start from scratch.”
stands up, gets animated
We could’ve had a United Nations of Space! Instead, we got the United Banks of Earth. Congratulations, America – we played ourselves!
imitates mission control
“Houston, we have a problem… turns out money can’t buy you space experience. Maybe we should’ve kept those Russian scientists’ phone numbers…”
takes final sip of water
But you know what’s the real kicker? While we were busy building financial instruments so complicated you need a PhD in Mathematics just to spell them… China over there taking notes, building rockets, and probably laughing their asses off.
They looking at us like, “Y’all really fumbled that one, huh? Anyway, we’ll send you a postcard from Mars!”