In the sweaty corridors of Washington, there’s a palpable unease. The clock ticks louder in the Situation Room, and the tension feels thicker than a barroom floor after a two-for-one night. The problem, you see, is not just the impending doom of World War III—but where it starts. Ukraine’s got the spotlight for now, but there’s a gnawing concern that Israel, the original headliner, might feel snubbed. This is a diplomatic disaster for the ages.

The State Department, that grand cathedral of American self-delusion, has been in overdrive, assuring Netanyahu that Israel’s role in the apocalypse is safe. “Don’t worry, Bibi,” you can almost hear them muttering through clenched jaws, “Ukraine is just the warm-up act. Your turn for the main event will come soon enough.” It’s like they’re negotiating the lineup for an end-of-the-world music festival—headliner, opening act, surprise encore. Everyone wants top billing for the apocalypse.

The absurdity would be hilarious if it weren’t so deadly. Ukraine, for all its heroics and its very real suffering, is playing the role of the tragic understudy, fighting valiantly while Washington’s evangelical wing squabbles about the proper venue for Armageddon. “The end of the world starts in Israel!” they cry. “It’s practically written into the script.” Never mind the facts on the ground. Never mind the trillion-dollar machinery grinding its gears in Europe.

There’s a certain comedy in it, dark as a politician’s soul. Imagine a State Department official sweating through their blazer, on the phone with Netanyahu: “Listen, we know Ukraine’s stealing the show right now, but trust us, the main event—the real start of World War III—will be yours. We just needed a warm-up act to work out the kinks.”

Of course, some will say this is all nonsense, that America isn’t starting World War III—it’s merely responding to crises, valiantly defending freedom, yada yada yada. But let’s not kid ourselves. Responding to crises? America’s been “responding” to crises with the subtlety of a sledgehammer at a porcelain auction since Truman dropped the big one. If this is a reaction, it’s the kind of reaction you have after chugging a bottle of cheap tequila and deciding to punch the guy who looked at you funny.

And yet, the propaganda machine rolls on. The idea that Ukraine is just a sideshow is absurd to anyone paying attention. The U.S. isn’t responding to events—it’s orchestrating them, pushing the pieces around like a drunken chess master who thinks every move is genius. Russia’s in the crosshairs, China’s waiting in the wings, and the world watches as the stage is set for something big, something biblical.

But here’s the kicker: The same people who swear by the Bible’s prophecies are now caught in this bizarre balancing act. To them, World War III isn’t just geopolitics—it’s destiny. The Second Coming, the end of days, the grand finale. And Israel? Israel is the Holy Land, the stage where Act Three of the apocalypse is supposed to play out. Ukraine is just an inconvenient subplot, the warm-up band you have to sit through to get to the good stuff.

It’s all so perfectly absurd. The State Department, that bastion of incompetence and hubris, now has the impossible task of juggling these delusions while simultaneously keeping the world from spiraling into chaos. “Don’t worry, Mr. Netanyahu,” you can almost hear them say, “The headline spot for Armageddon is still yours. Just let us handle the appetizers in Eastern Europe first.”

So here we are, careening toward catastrophe with all the grace of a drunk driver on black ice, while Washington reassures itself that it’s all part of the plan. And maybe it is. Maybe this is exactly what they want. After all, nothing says “global superpower” like making sure you control the opening act and the finale of the apocalypse.

But for now, Ukraine fights, Israel waits, and the world holds its breath. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the long, bloody saga of American foreign policy, it’s this: The show must go on. And God help us all when the headliner finally takes the stage.