Ah, the tawdry spectacle of American hypocrisy in its purest form: a bloated fraudster wrapped in the flag, clutching a Bible, and preaching fire and brimstone to the unwashed masses—all while slinking into the nearest Holiday Inn with a mistress on speed dial. For X—serial adulterer, purveyor of NDAs, and self-anointed Christian crusader—it’s all part of the act. Not a flaw, mind you, but a feature.

The Evangelical audience doesn’t see this as a problem. No, they love it. They lap it up like hogs at a trough. The melodrama of sin, repentance, and redemption is the lifeblood of their culture. They need their heroes to be fallen men clawing their way out of moral muck, preferably with a spotlight on them and a book deal waiting in the wings. The more salacious the scandal, the more inspiring the “redemption arc.” Never mind that redemption is just a word they toss around to sanitize the reek of bad behavior.

For the faithful, X paying off his flings to protect his cable-news paycheck isn’t hypocrisy—it’s evidence of his commitment to the cause. He fell, yes, but like Saul on the road to Damascus, he’s found his way back to God… conveniently just in time to moralize the rest of us into oblivion. His moral crusade against the sins of others becomes the final act of his grotesque theatre, a clumsy tap-dance over the graves of decency and self-awareness.

The logic is as absurd as it is infuriating: Look at me! I was a sinner—just like you! But now I’m better, and I’m here to tell you why you’re not. It’s a uniquely American cocktail of guilt, delusion, and performance art, spiked with the poisonous bravado of a conman who knows his audience is too dim, too complicit, or too desperate for salvation to call him out.

And so, X rides on, a televangelist with a spray tan and a PR team, waging war on the very sins he gleefully commits when the cameras are off. Is it hypocrisy? Maybe. But to the American Evangelical psyche, it’s just good entertainment. And that, more than faith or morality, is the one true religion in this godforsaken country.