I thought of these 39 rules as a nod to the 39 Steps, though not the Hitchcock thriller, nor the Buchan novel, but Bunyan’s metaphorical journey. You know, the one where the protagonist wades through muck and despair to reach the celestial city—a perfect allegory for modern life, except now the muck has been monetized, and the celestial city is behind a paywall. These rules aren’t a roadmap to salvation or self-improvement. Think of them instead as survival tips for navigating the swamp of grifts, hypocrisies, and bad-faith debates that masquerade as our culture. Each rule is a step, and with 39 of them, you might just make it out with your sanity intact—or at least with a sardonic smirk on your face.

1. Never trust a Jungian. They’ll explain your midlife crisis by blaming your inner dragon, then charge you for the privilege.

2. Assume every dogma hides a grift. If someone tells you they’ve found “the truth,” it’s probably in their $29.99 self-help book.

3. Never underestimate the bourgeoisie’s commitment to fascism. Better to goose-step into oblivion than give up a single stock option.

4. Stand up straight, unless you’re carrying the weight of late-stage capitalism. In that case, slump artistically.

5. Always fight chaos with order. Especially if that order involves scapegoating marginalized people for the mess you made.

6. Be a plausible denialist.

7. Pursue what’s meaningful, not what’s expedient. But if what’s expedient keeps the lights on, go ahead and chase it while feeling guilty.

8. Never debate someone who calls themselves a ‘free thinker.’ They’ve already won the argument by redefining logic as oppression.

9. Be precise in your speech—unless you’re defending a fascist, in which case, drown everyone in word salad. Ambiguity is the last refuge of the ideologue.

10. Accept that life is suffering—but don’t forget who’s making it that way. Spoiler: It’s probably the same people telling you to just “try harder.”

11. When in doubt, blame postmodernism. It’s a vague enough enemy to cover any argument, from bad art to failing democracies.

12. Beware of the man who calls himself an ‘intellectual dark web’ member. Chances are, he’s just mad his TED Talk application got rejected.

13. Remember: the system isn’t broken—it’s working exactly as designed. Just not for you.

14. Clean someone else’s room for a change. You might learn that their chaos isn’t a moral failing; it’s just three jobs and no healthcare.

15. Assume anyone who says they’ve ‘done their research’ has a YouTube tab open. Peer-reviewed studies are for suckers.

16. If you’re stuck, start a podcast. It won’t solve your problems, but at least you’ll feel like someone’s listening.

17. Never take life advice from a lobster. Unless you want to end up boiled in your own neuroses.

18. Don’t fetishize responsibility—weaponize it. It’s the only way to guilt the rich into paying for your crowdfunded surgery.

19. The free market isn’t free. It’s just got better PR than feudalism.

20. Be wary of anyone who calls their bad ideas ‘provocative.’ They’re just beta-testing fascism with nicer fonts.

21. Argue in good faith, but always carry a rhetorical crowbar. Some doors just won’t open any other way.

22. Self-improvement is a trap. The real win is convincing others that they need to improve while you cash in.

23. Embrace chaos—especially when it’s profitable. If you’re not selling fear, are you even in the self-help game?

24. Only follow rules you can monetize. Why change your life when you can just write a book telling other people to change theirs?

25. If it sounds like a cult, it probably is. Especially if they have merchandise and a Patreon.

26. Always side with the underdog—unless the overdog cuts you a better check. Principles are great until rent is due.

27. Don’t ask whether the chicken or the egg came first. Ask why they’re both working 70-hour weeks at minimum wage.

28. Call every failure a hero’s journey. That way, your bad decisions become “archetypal lessons.”

29. Invoke Nietzsche sparingly. He’s like hot sauce—great in small doses, but ruinous in the hands of amateurs.

30. If someone brings up free speech, assume they just got banned from Reddit. And for good reason.

31. Be cautious of people who “believe in merit.” They’re usually just hoarding unearned wealth while calling you lazy.

32. Treat self-help gurus like used-car salesmen. The flashier the pitch, the more likely the wheels are about to fall off.

33. Remember: every billionaire is a policy failure. But sure, go ahead and call them your ‘aspirational archetype.’

34. If someone uses the word ‘marketplace of ideas,’ run. It’s code for “I want to say racist things without consequences.”

35. Reject any ideology with an animal mascot. Whether it’s a lobster or an eagle, it’s never about the animal—it’s about the power trip.

36. If life is suffering, ask who’s profiting from it. Spoiler: It’s probably not you.

37. Never confuse ‘difficult to understand’ with ‘deep.’ Sometimes a word salad is just a really bad chef.

38. If you meet the guru on the road, sell him an overpriced seminar ticket. Gotta beat them at their own game.

39. The pursuit of happiness is a scam. The real money’s in selling other people on it.